by Koko on June 16, 2011 · 9 comments

in Deployment, Me, Q

It has been a little over 2 months since Quincy has left to go to Afghanistan, and I think I finally have all of my thoughts together enough to explain what life is like while he is gone.

You learn a lot about yourself when your loved one leaves. They aren’t there to tell you you are beautiful every morning or to help you through a tough day at work. They aren’t there to console you when you are crying or drink a glass of wine with you to decompress from your day. They aren’t there to tell you they love you each night before bed and each morning when you wake up. They aren’t there to talk to about the funny episode of “Modern Family” you watched or to help you pick out what to eat for dinner. Because of this, you learn to self-soothe. To be able to tell yourself that you are beautiful and loved and that your day wasn’t that bad. There are lots of nights when you go to bed crying because you miss them. You feel bad for yourself (at least I do). You don’t really like to talk about it with friends or family because you feel like no one really gets it, even if they say they do. You panic every time the phone rings that something happened. You worry that you are going to miss calls. You take your phone into the bathroom with you and put it next to you while you shower because you don’t want to miss a precious call. The second that the call ends, you think of more things you wished you had said. You spend hours looking through old photos and watching videos that you asked him to make before he left so you could hear his voice.

I love what Quincy does, I think he is the bravest, strongest man I have ever met. I love that he thinks about his men before himself and he is the greatest leader I’ve ever seen. I worry all the time, every day, every night when we don’t speak. Every time a soldier dies in combat I think of him and his guys. I watch the news and read articles religiously scanning for anything on his unit, on Afghanistan, on the war. It helps me stay connected, to feel like maybe if I read all that I can and watch all there is that I will understand it all better.

I keep a routine, a very solid routine and it helps every day go by. I spend lots of time with family and friends and travel and keep busy, because it’s the moments right before bed that are the hardest. When your mind is finally at rest and you have nothing to distract you. You think about him and the war and the grittiness of what he is doing and it hurts.

But I’m a stronger person through it all and I will only come out stronger on the other side. I could not be prouder of Quincy and what he is doing and I am so lucky and proud to be by his side through everything that comes our way.

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Ainsley May 13, 2012 at 6:07 pm

I came across your blog on twitter, exactly how I’m not sure, but it was something that I desperately needed to read.

My husband is in the Canadian military and we were dating when he went on tour to Afghanistan in 2008-2009. What you described is exactly how I was feeling, but couldn’t figure out how to put into words. I too showered with the phone (I even slept with it!), and nothing was more devastating then missing a phone call by minutes.

I do believe that our relationship is stronger because of the separation, and nothing is sweeter than reunion!

I look forward to being a regular reader:)

Koko May 15, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Ainsley, Thanks so much for stopping by!! I love hearing fellow military wife stories. It’s always hard putting those things into words (the bad and the good), but it always makes me so happy that people relate and feel the same. So happy you are a new reader! xoxo

Kendra June 19, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Well written Koko! This deployment is so hard. I hate it when people try to tell me that it will go by before I know it and that everything will work out just fine. I just want people to stop taking out their butts. They don’t know how I feel and what I go though daily. People should stop trying to tell me what I should and should not feel in this situation, it really pisses me off. Sometimes I just cry instantly when someone asks me how I am, because it makes me stop and think about all the feelings I have been trying to keep inside, the ones I am not ready to deal with yet. It makes me feel better to talk to someone who is going though the same stuff. Miss ya!

kokostanley June 19, 2011 at 7:53 pm

So happy I have you, otherwise I don’t know what I would do! You are so strong. And I’m so happy we are here for each other.
xoxo Miss you!

tina June 18, 2011 at 11:22 am

ko- you are incredibly strong, and i can’t wait to see how worth it all of this is (because it will be!)- quincy is such a lucky man!

love you so much!

Pat Lyle June 16, 2011 at 8:01 pm

Beautifully written. I look forward to meeting Quincy.
A. Pat

kokostanley June 17, 2011 at 9:34 am

Thanks Aunt Pat! You Lyles are going to love him

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